suicide

I have been afforded the luxury of having much time to think the last two months.

Again, after only two years, my life is in major transistion. I do not type from a computer in my own home, I type from my sister’s home where I have been living with my hubby for almost two months now.

I have had little to put my hands to. I have learned to surrender to this strange season of stillness;  the eyes and ears of my heart being heightened with sensitivity to the world of the strange, dark town I now call home.

Suicide, crime, drugs, prostitution walk these tired streets.

My thoughts are around suicide today. Just a few weeks ago, on a bridge not too far from where we are living, a 50 year old woman parked her car off to the side of the highway lane and stepped out in front of a semi truck.  A dear mid-life woman had had it with life.

I have heard of other such “stories” since moving here.

My heart is broken as questions invade my mind concerning this particular story, did she have a husband? Children? Did she have friends? Did she know Jesus? What was her relationship like with her parents? How long had her heart been torn? WHAT and WHY?

I have thought also of the scenario of being in a passing car and watching this unfold. And what about the driver of the truck? I wonder how he’s doing?

I suppose one of the reasons this tugs so deeply upon my heart is that I remember having this same contemplation as a teenager: I had no friends, I had been falsely accused, I felt entirely abandoned and helpless. I remember running and hiding, and from that place of hiding wanting to slit my wrists with a rock. I wanted to end the deep pain of rejection I felt, I wanted out of life period! I could have cranked it off, no one knew where I was;  it would have taken them a while to even find my body.

I was raw, worn, sad, confused, angry.

I remember sitting there under the porch of a summer cottage, the season was fall, literally. I was sitting on rocks, and I was cold. It was the cold that kept me processing ( I hate being cold), the rocks were cold under my behind, and cold air was chilling my bones; it is odd that from this place I discovered a desire for more from life, a thirst for LIFE, and a hunger to LIVE; strange that cold would have this effect on me, and that the cold would keep me alive and with it a growing awareness of an unseen Presence sitting there with me in the middle of my darkness.

I had allowed people to rob me of what was mine; I had allowed cruel words to crush my will and spirit, I had become convinced that their words were truth! The enemy of my soul was creating a path of chains and magnets that held me captive to lies, yes LIES!! And like a stupid fish falling for bait on a hook, I bit into the bait of Satan and was hooked!! I was hooked because I didn’t know enough TRUTH to hold onto, nor had I learned the secrets of its life-giving power to my body, soul and mind.

In the book of John chapter 8  verses 31-32, Jesus is telling His disciples that if they would abide in HIS WORD, they would KNOW the TRUTH, and that the TRUTH would set them FREE.

To be free is to live with joy. To be free is to live in knowledge of truth…to KNOW truth, to walk in it, to live in it, to CHOOSE it when life screams the opposite.

Truth sounds and “feels” cold.

Cold because it lives apart from emotion. It starts in the mind not the heart. It is the heart that sketches life’s pictures to us, how we see it, feel it, touch it, and express it.  Naturally we want to live from the heart and yet the Word of God says the heart is deceitful. Jeremiah 17:9 says, “the heart is deceitful ABOVE ALL THINGS, and DESPERATELY SICK; who can understand it?” As a dear pastor said to me many years ago, truth must be the engine that controls the entire train, emotions are the cars that follow the engine.  BUT  if emotion is the engine, truth falls behind, and the train will be driven by emotion.

Truth IS God’s Word. Freedom comes as truth is believed and life is lived from THAT place. The enemy of my soul comes to “steal, kill and destroy” coming up against truth, but Jesus said He came SO THAT we would have LIFE and have LIFE to the FULL.” (John 10:10),  “He is the way, the TRUTH, and the LIFE”(John 14:6).

God’s Word tells me that His love is steadfast, consistent and that His love for me “is as high as the heavens are above the earth”, (psalm 103:11). God’s Word tells me that there is NO WHERE I can go to flee His presence. No where. God’s Word tells me that His thoughts towards me OUTNUMBER the grains of sand, (read psalm 139). God’s word tells me that I am NEVER alone, that He will never forsake  me (Heb.13:5).

My mind embraces this truth, I choose to believe it because I know it is just that…..TRUTH.

My story is much to long to blog; my life did not get easier or rosy, or stained glassed. My life became a journey towards what God’s Word tells me truth is, it is found only in Jesus. Again the Word (who is Jesus by the way, see John 1:1)  says,  “I AM the way, the TRUTH, and the LIFE..” (John 14:6). The enemy of my soul would have had me end my life all those years ago, he would have stolen, killed and destroyed me completely on that day, but Jesus, who I had given my life to as a little girl, rescued me with truth.

In the book, “Captivating” by Stasi Elridge it is suggested that the enemy has a theme to the lies he presents to us  over and over and over again; events, circumstances and people being the mode of delivery of  the chosen theme.

What lies are you believing about yourself? Are you free? Do you have joy? Peace? What monkey sits on your shoulder taunting you, nagging you, stirring negative thought and emotion?

For me, the theme, the lies that I believed were that I was not worth loving, I was a stupid girl with no brains,  and that I should trust no one. This led me to a life of isolation and constant struggle for victory. The oddest part of all this was that since the age of four when I gave my life to Jesus, I had never turned my back to Him. All through this pain I sought Him,cried out to Him, and asking for freedom; I LOVED Him, wanted Him, wanted to KNOW Him; He was my pursuit…..BUT I did not understand or even believe that I was “so loved” by Him (John3:16); I struggled to EARN acceptance by perfect behavior and when perfect behavior eluded me I battled fear that God would somehow reject me, leading me into a life of constant work and effort try all the harder to please Him; emotion drove my life train…..truth was always there beside me, out there, waiting quietly for me to grasp and take hold of and believe, but I remained in a constant spin cycle of unbelief; I just kept giving in to whatever life dished me, believing what the tangible gave me instead of trusting  an unseen, but ever-present God.

How I could live for so long without this discovery is another blog yet to come, for today what I want to finish with is that “life to the full” began when I had a literal encounter with God high up in the Rockies in Colorado, at a “Captivating” conference. Jesus came to me robed in royal blue and purple with golden threads, extending His hand to me for me to STAND and “dance with Him”;  He WANTED ME, HE LOVED ME.

Something literally fell off my soul and mind and body that day, you could almost hear the chains hitting the floor around me.

As I stood there before Him I was given a new name, HIS name for me. The meaning of my name? “My delight is in her.” Yes, I cried and cried and cried, my body purging itself from years of  pain and lies; I finally believed that I was loved, I was wanted and that I was  a woman of great value to the Creator of the universe, my Creator. My name unseated every lie I believed about myself.

Something ended that day, and something began; a new life and a journey to understanding and believing truth that I had heard all my life but hadn’t trusted.

Life will always present opportunities to believe what is not true; till the day the Lord takes me home this will be so. But regardless, regardless, I KNOW that I can FULLY trust the One my soul loves and Who loves me and I CAN trust His words to me.

This….. this is life to the FULL, this then is truth.

I know there are many who are in such a place right now even as I type this, O where are you dear souls? Will God lead you to this blog today to give you hope? And if so will you be brave enough to call out for help?

I am not a trained professional to deal with such paths of brokenness; all I have in my hands is what God has given to me; His Word, His truth, His great steadfast love.

Doesn’t it make sense that if we have an enemy we must then also have a Savior? You have seen enough movies and lived enough life to know that life has an enemy, but life has a Savior too and His name is Jesus…..His name is Jesus,  He,  HE IS the way, the TRUTH, and the LIFE!! Will you trust Him today? Will you believe what He says? Will you stand once more and believe that you were created to LIVE ?

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