“The black horse (the black horse is reference to me) will not rise to ‘paw fiercely’ until YOU strike her flank with calling; for surely her ‘proud snorting’ will burst forth ONLY as the Master rides with His purpose.
Her eyes will not scan for unforseen battle or race, for surly she is still being broken; her will still too tuned to her own stride and not to the King who rides her! O sorrow fills her heart with this shameful discovery! She is not worthy to be called.” ( my journal entry from March 22, 2011).
I spent some time re-reading some of my journals from the last two years, I landed upon this entry and scratched my head as I realized I could have written it in this present day as well.
I haven’t been able to write this week! My heart, my flesh, my mind and my soul experienced confrontation from someone I love deeply. It flattened me. Just a few weeks ago a similar occasion from another I love deeply; the rebuke confronted a different issue, but was still directed to things I had done and said that had brought pain and wrong teaching.
My first instinct was to defend, to say a big “but”, my second instinct was to take vows of silence. To commit to never opening this mouth of mine again, I suppose a form of control in order that I would have no responsibility of having caused pain to anyone. My third instinct was to just disappear, to leave, run, hide.
I took to the couch late into the night and wrestled with my flesh before God. I cried, and cried deeply. My head and heart speaking loudly the words, “O what a wretch I am!” A dark cloud settled around me and I felt completely rotten to the core.
I discovered pride, I discovered a spirit of ‘entitlement’ and self-righteousness; I discovered again the reality of who I am without the risen hope of my Savior Jesus Christ. I heard my own words, “We all stand at the foot of the same cross”; somehow it brought no comfort, and no peace as I laid there and continued to wrestle seeking to know the truth behind it all.
I made a huge discovery, a painful one, and one that somehow I have managed to be unaware of if I had not been confronted with the truth of by those who love me.
I choose to share this because one of my life motto’s is that God NEVER wastes pain. I will not take a vow of silence for I see the enemy’s lie in this. I have nothing to hide, I need Jesus it is that simple and that complicated.
I have spent a large portion of my life in self-preservation. Keeping a soul-pantry of love and walls; a pantry full of vows of determination that at all costs I would protect myself from the heat of another’s anger. So fearful I have lived of even the slightest of raised voice or a hint of disappointment or disapproval that I have given to those closest to me a dangerous power to control the very course of my life.
The scripture that repeatedly has come back to me over these few days is, “So we CAN CONFIDENTLY say, ‘the Lord is my helper; I WILL NOT FEAR, what can man do to me?” (Heb. 13:6), and”It is BETTER to take refuge in the Lord than to trust in man” (Psalm 118:8), and still yet, “For am I now SEEKING the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would NOT be a servant of Christ” (Gal.1:10).
“The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe” (Prov. 29:25).
REALLY LORD? STILL? O the agony of discovering the depth of pride and self-righteousness revealed as RESULT OF TRUTH spoken to me by these precious loved ones….OOOh, the very pain I sought to avoid came crashing down all around me.
The Lord said to me as well, ” Do not despise the Lord’s discipline OR BE WEARY OF HIS REPROOF for the Lord reproves him whom He loves, as a father the son in whom he DELIGHTS” (Prov. 3:11).
So amidst the great blessings of this past Christmas season, the black horse was brought low by her Creator’s harness. She knows she is loved and held by “steadfast love”, she sees that only love, PURE love risks allowing pain in order for greater love to grow and deeper freedom to develop.
The black horse she will run again, for the Great Horse Whisperer has had His way with her will.
Freedom is only freedom if it has been taught by pain, by what is not, in order to see what is.
“The thief comes ONLY to STEAL, and KILL and DESTROY. I came that they may have life and have it ABUNDANTLY” (John 10:10).