I have been stopped, halted, cemented and tucked away into the “Secret Place” of learning to listen to God; I’ve been stopped from doing and asked by the King to remain before Him for two years now.
Probably the greatest plunge of freedom I’ve taken in my almost 53 years; I said yes to God and no to the voices of condemnation and shame and no to the faces of disapproval for my absence at church, my absence of doing and showing up and following because “that’s what we do”, no to guidelines and rules and opened the door wide to my own voice before God.
I began asking some hard questions.
O dear! Did I really just confess that to Lord knows who?
Yah, I kinda just did that…
Who knows if the “voices” or “faces” were even real, apparently they were hanging around for a long time hidden in the shadows of my heart and mind; kept at bay by my pursuit to know and love God, by my busy-ness to be all and everything that I could before my King of love…but sadly blinded and deaf to how often the voices and faces dictated how I lived, what I wore, and even what and how I spoke.
It started with a cry for “more” (after a little ride in the ambulance), an awakening of sorts, and God taking me back to my roots (literally) to re-reveal who He had formed me to be; and, like, wow, she was so simple, pure, lost inside her conversations with God and creation and creating (THAT girl sure LIVED).
Surrounded by people one can never quite escape the impact of relationships whether good or bad, nor can one escape the impact of our primary mode of communication…words.
Like the sunrise, God had decided for me that it was time for the sun to shine on my hidden shadows (hidden to me), the hues changed the more the light caught my deep inner reality.
I lived and feared “man”….I had given years of my life to worry and angst and the word “sorry”; yielding my movements and conversations around a sense of proving that I was in fact a valid Jesus child…WHAT? REALLY? O man, (head down and shaking back and forth like a wet dog- hand up to smack the forehead).
I say freedom begins with truth (hey! Didn’t Jesus say that? “You shall know the truth and the truth will set you FREEEE!” ).
It started to look like a ball of yarn unraveling, strangely I was not unnerved, it was as if my soul had been waiting for this day; I was ready, and so have spent the last two years unraveling, rediscovering and discovering, tasting and feasting at Aslan’s table and finding Narnia actually exists (hi, I’m Lucy by the way).
Being reestablished into a child’s heart has been the most incredible adventure; learning what my voice is for and what it is not, learning the simplicity of hearing God in my heart, I have danced with Him and been touched by Him and wept before Him and rejoiced, I have pounded my fists at the air and cried out in exasperation and sorrow and repentance and then discovered joy, I have sung at the top of my lungs and shouted silently into the darkness, I have had many sleepless nights of tossing and relenting, O how can I possibly describe this? It has been an incredible adventure of yielding to the deeper leading into God’s heart.
I prayed and searched to know the deeper secrets of understanding of the gospel and found myself being led to the donkey.
I used to think that my life was like that of a great Black Stallion waiting for the race gate to open so that my life could “begin” with promise and dream, and, let’s be even more truthful here: power and leadership and seen (finally validated). That progressed somewhat backward when I began to develop the voice and ears of a donkey, even had my hand up in the air to be the one to carry Jesus through the crowds, but now? Now? I am content to be the one in the stable looking after the donkey who will carry the King (and just in case you’re wondering, I’m not talking about my husband!).
O the beauty of discovering Jesus all over again like it was the first time: my heart burns and deep peace holds me still.
This is my great awakening, and it is not for the purpose of shouting and ranting and preaching and teaching, but rather for conversation. God has been de-churching my mouth, mind and soul and heart.
I have not been given my life to please man, I have been given my life to live engulfed by Jesus, to be His girl, His daughter…to come out of hiding and excusing and “sorry” and fearing man to daring to be all that He created me to be, even if it rattles predictability, structure and “the way we do things”.
Even if it means my almost 53 year old body running in a white dress down a long beach with my face and arms lifted heavenward.
God is wild and free. He is love. By His Spirit He raised Jesus from the dead and He promised to make His home WITHIN me…what kind of LIFE does this mean?
Wild and free and full of joy, even as the barnyard produces brown stuff I can still lift my eyes, my feet and my heart because I know that my King knows me and loves me and desires me…ALWAYS.
Freedom reaches into every shadow and leads me into His marvellous light…and I must go with Him there…He has given me glimpses and it leaves me full of the wonder of a child; it is like Narnia,
I just have to walk into the wardrobe.
It was JESUS who said:
“I AM the way
I think I’ll listen to Him.
A perfect song to end this write today is Ellie Holcomb’s “Living Water” (from her album “Red Sea Road”).